


veritas lux mea

by witchyvirginia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Threesome - F/F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23265445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchyvirginia/pseuds/witchyvirginia
Summary: What if you could fall in love with two people at once? What if you didn't have to chose one or the other? What if these two people were your worst enemies?After the winning Battle of Hogwarts, Hermione is back at school to finish her education. With no Harry and Ron on her side, she as to face Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy standing in her way. She wants to find how it feels to be her own person, but what if she's not who she thought she was?
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson, Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson
Comments: 13
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything other than academic essays in ages, so I'm just warming up. Please bear with me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if you could fall in love with two people at once? What if you didn't have to chose one or the other? What if these two people were your worst enemies?
> 
> After the winning Battle of Hogwarts, Hermione is back at school to finish her education. With no Harry and Ron on her side, she has to face Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy standing in her way. She wants to find how it feels to be her own person, but what if she's not who she thought she was?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't written anything other than academic essays in ages and I'm still warming up! So please bear with me on this one :)

The castle was crowded. When she thought crowded, she meant that there were people everywhere – chattering away in the corridors, laughing too loudly in the common room, even whispering all around the library, the only place she thought she could rely on. Hermione couldn’t hear her own thoughts, never mind focus on finishing her reading for the History of Magic and preparing for Potions with the new teacher. The war might be over, the Wizarding world might be saved, but Hermione wasn’t going to let another year go to waste. Part of her still couldn’t get over the fact that the war made her repeat a year. She knew it was unrealistic for them to graduate on time, with all the time wasted running around Great Britain looking for horcruxes and trying to defeat Voldemort once and for all, but when she’d first set foot in Hogwarts she’d never expected to find herself repeating her last year at school.  
First days always brought a lot of memories – first time she met Ron and Harry, first class with the new teachers, first time she realised her life would never be just about getting her education and carving a path to a future successful career. Every corner of the castle had some significance. She remembered running down the grass to Hagrid’s, cheering Harry up from the stands during Quidditch, listening to Dumbledore giving his speech on their first night in the castle. Hermione knew that from now on, everything would be completely different. Harry and Ron weren’t there anymore to accompany her on the way – they chose not to finish school, Harry being himself, already getting offers to work for the Ministry, and Ron never really caring much about education. They kept in touch, of course, and they’s spent most of the summer together, learning the painful way that some people are better to stay just friends.  
She wasn’t sure if Ron held that against her – breaking up with him and deciding to spend the last two weeks of holidays on her own up in Scotland, feeling like she had a lot to think through and adjust to. Harry said he was hurt, but Ron was hurt often and usually got over whatever was bothering him in no time. And at this point in her life, after doing almost everything for others, she needed to be true to herself. And the truth was that she didn’t love him the way she wanted to. There was no need to explain this, no need to analyse her every emotion and feeling. Her gut was telling her she couldn’t go back to Hogwarts tied to someone she knew she didn’t want to spend her life with. And she really needed to focus.  
So, there she was. Strolling through the corridor after corridor crowded with students excited to discover the secrets of the castle, which she herself knew all too well. Starting her seventh year again, hoping this time nothing would stand in her way.  
The higher she climbed, the quieter the hallways got. She was looking for an empty classroom, somewhere she could sit down and do all her work in peace, undisturbed, away from troubling thoughts filled with nostalgia over what had been already lost. Hermione stopped at the first set of doors she encountered; it was slightly open, so she pushed it looking inside to find the class not so empty at all.  
Instinctively, the girl took the step back, but she didn’t leave, watching two people inside who clearly were too preoccupied with themselves to notice her presence. She watched the way the girl’s fingers were woven into the platinum blond her of the boy in front of her; the way her skirt rolled up higher than it was intended to, when her legs wrapped around his waist. She noticed her hand clenched around the edge of the desk she was sitting on, and his jacket, thrown carelessly on the ground next to his emerald green tie. Hermione, embarrassed after realising what was happening, took a step back, and then another, trying to get as far away from the room as possible before one of them opened their eyes and noticed her staring. Startled, she let go of one of her books and almost in slow motion watched it fall down to the ground. The sound of the falling volume echoed around her, and the last thing she saw before running away was Pansy Parkinson looking at her surprised and Draco Malfoy stepping back from her. 

By the time she got to her dorm, Hermione was out of breath. She chastised herself in her head for standing there for too long, for carrying her book in her hand rather than inside the bag, for staring at two people doing something that clearly wasn’t meant for anyone else’s eyes. She blushed from embarrassment at the very thought of them catching her looking, but at the same time the more she tried to distract herself with schoolwork, the more her mind was drifting back to that classroom. She was intrigued by how well Draco and Pansy fit together, at least in that moment. She was jealous, because no matter how hard she tried, she could never make her and Ron work that well. It was as much about the physical attraction as it was about anything else. Sometimes she would kiss Ron just to make him stop talking, and when she closed her eyes, she always imagined it was someone else. Not anyone in particular, just anyone but Ron. His kisses were always too wet, too sloppy, too eager. At first Hermione really though they could make it – after they left Hogwarts holding hands her heart actually skipped a bit when she looked at the ginger boy next to her. But maybe, at that time, she’d been too desperate, too oblivious to everything else she would be able to feel. She mistook the feeling of comfort for love, mistook the need for desire. Part of her knew all too well why she was ready to settle for the first person that seemed to truly adore her. It’s not like she hadn’t been bullied through most of her life – for being too smart and too ugly, for having hair that was too big and mind that was too ambitious. Eventually, her insecurities became an innate part of who she was, and Hermione believed, for the longest time, that they were all true. Ron seemed to be able to look past them, seeing her for who she really was. She got her hair under control, she learned to accept the ambition that was the driving force behind her every decision, but she never stopped believing in what everyone had always said about her. Hermione wanted more from life and she couldn’t cling to safety forever. Maybe coming back to Hogwarts for the last time was her chance of finding out what life really had to offer, and more importantly to see what she really wanted from life?  
All of this did not change the fact that what she saw, she couldn’t un-see. And she knew, probably all too well, talking from experience of sharing a classroom with these two for almost 7 years, that Draco and Pansy wouldn’t let it go. Unlucky for her, her first class the next day was Potions with no one else but Slytherins. 

The next morning Hermione decided to skip breakfast. She woke up with her stomach tied into a knot and she didn’t want to give Draco and Pansy a chance of embarrassing her in front of the whole school, including their teachers. She headed to class earlier than everyone, taking a seat at the front as she always had, and almost instantly burying her nose in a book. Not long after, other students started to show up and she had to put all her effort into keeping herself from raising her head up every time she heard someone approach. She glanced at the watch on her wrist and for a brief moment she hoped maybe the two Slytherins wouldn’t come.  
‘You forgot something, Granger’ the book slammed down on the desk in front of her and Hermione closed her eyes for a second, preparing for the worst. She resisted raising her eyes at Pansy, instead focusing her sight on the book. ‘What, are you afraid to look at me now?’ the girl asked, before nonchalantly falling down on a chair next to Hermione. ‘You didn’t seem to have a problem with that yesterday’ Pansy leaned in closer looking above her shoulder, and Hermione could smell her perfume – notes of vanilla, musk and orange blossom, exactly what she’d imagine Pansy Parkinson to smell like. She was going to just keep ignoring her, but then remembered that Pansy was just another bully, and Hermione wasn’t going to let her ruin this year as well. She closed the book, probably too abruptly, and faced the black-haired girl.  
‘Look, Pansy. I’m sorry for interrupting you yesterday, but I really couldn’t care less about what you and Draco get up to in empty classrooms. Thanks for bringing my book back, but now if you don’t mind…’ she turned away again, expecting Pansy to stand up and go to the back of the class usually occupied by the Slytherins. Instead, the girl just leaned back in her chair and took out her parchment and a quill. Before Hermione came up with anything else to say to her, the new Potions teacher walked in.

‘Good morning class, I’m so glad to see all your happy, well-rested faces!’ she exclaimed cheery and Hermione couldn’t help but notice how different she was from Snape. It was difficult to believe she was both their new teacher and Head of Slytherin. ‘I thought for this year we’d do things a bit differently. I prepared a set of projects you’ll be working on, all requiring you to brew a certain potion and write up notes and observations about the process. All will be done in groups of 3 to 4 students, so please, before I reveal the first potion, sit down in your groups’ the classroom suddenly became buzzing with voices of student chatting to each other and moving their chairs around. Hermione got up to her feet rapidly trying to find a familiar face she could pair up with, at the same time noticing Pansy sitting calmly in her chair with a smug smile on her face. A minute later, Draco appeared next to her, sending her a brief wink before looking at Hermione.  
‘Granger, what a pleasure. I guess that leaves the three of us’ he smiled, sitting down on a chair to her right. Suddenly she was trapped in between to people she hated the most, with the feeling being definitely mutual.  
‘I’m… I’m sure there are others…’ she started but was immediately silenced by their teacher. Draco rested his arm on the back of her chair, leaning in to whisper into her ear.  
‘Calm down, Granger. How about we stop fucking around and call it a truce?’ he bared his teeth in a smile, before turning his attention to Professor Lennox.  
‘Good, excellent! So, without further ado, your first assignment for this year is… Veritaserum!’ couple people, including Hermione, gasped in shock. It was commonly known that veritaserum was an advanced potion fairly difficult to prepare. Professor Lennox smiled at their reaction, handing each group parchment with assignment details, before proceeding with a lecture about the potion itself. 

‘Truce?!’ Hermione exclaimed, throwing her things in a bag and storming out of the classroom. Pansy rolled her eyes and followed in her footsteps, dragging Draco behind her ‘You must be kidding me, Malfoy. What on Merlin’s beard would make you think I’d ever call a truce with you, out of all people in this damn castle?’ she walked out of the dungeon and stepped to the side, letting other students pass. Draco crossed his arms looking, as always, not bothered at all. Hermione noticed he was different – more put together, calmer, maybe even less mean. She could only imagine what last year did to him. She wasn’t sure if he still carried the dark mark on his forearm, but if he did, it must have been a painful reminder of his past. But nothing could ever excuse the years of bulling everyone in Hogwarts endured. Nothing could diminish the fact that he called her a Mudblood. On the other hand, she remembered the bent back and the eyes full of pain of a boy standing opposite his parents supporting the Dark Lord. She saw, right there when they were calling his name, that he didn’t want the life that was carved out for him by his father. At that moment, he didn’t look like his father’s son. And she couldn’t ignore that small, but meaningful gesture of him throwing Harry his wand. Was it possible that Draco Malfoy changed? Was this why he came back to Hogwarts? To redeem himself and, instead of following in his father’s steps, to create a life of his own?  
‘For fuck’s sake, Granger, do you always have to be so uptight? Told you, Parkinson, that mudblood would never...’  
‘Draco don’t’ Pansy squeezed his arm, stopping him from walking away. Hermione stood in her place, her face completely blank, hearing this one word echoing in her head. She couldn’t believe that for a brief second she was ready to believe Draco Malfoy actually changed.  
‘Fuck you, Malfoy’ Hermione adjusted the strap of her bag and walked away. She had enough respect for herself to not let anyone, let alone Draco Malfoy, push her around. 

‘Granger! Hermione!’ she didn’t get very far before she heard footsteps and Pansy calling after her. She didn’t stop, didn’t even turn around until she felt the girl’s hand tightening around her arm.  
‘What do you want, Pansy?’ she asked completely resigned. She didn’t have any energy left to fight anymore. All she wanted when coming back to Hogwarts was to graduate. No drama, no interruptions, no distraction. This year was all about studying, the rest of her life was for figuring stuff out. She left the comfort of a relationship with Ron, and friendship with him and Harry behind, but she wasn’t ready to give up the comfort of books, the familiar thrill she got each time she stepped into the library. It was only the first week, the first day, and she already got herself mixed up with Pansy and Draco.  
‘I’m sorry’ the Slytherin girl answered and Hermione could sense the struggle she went through just to say these two words. Clearly, Pansy Parkinson didn’t apologize to anyone very often, and Hermione was convinced she didn’t really mean it. ‘Draco is… adjusting. His parents split up, his father disowned him, and he doesn’t have anyone left, well, except me’ the tone of Pansy’s voice didn’t go with her words. They were apologetic, as if she was attempting to ask for Hermione’s forgiveness, but her voice and her body language, with arms crossed at her chest, were defensive, as if she didn’t care about Hermione’s reaction. It was the first time she was actually able to get a good look at her, and Hermione started to wonder if everything Pansy had ever seemed to her – mean, obnoxious, self-centred – was just an act put together by a girl who found herself in the company of the wrong people, trying to put on a mask to make herself fit in. And maybe she’d been doing this for long enough for the mask to actually sink in.  
‘I don’t see how this has anything to do with me’ this time it was Hermione crossing her arms, making herself more unreachable. She couldn’t rely just on her own assumptions.  
‘Look, it doesn’t come… easy to me, saying this’ Pansy started, clearing her throat and quite visibly battling with herself ‘And if you ever repeat this to anyone, I will make you suffer’ she added and Hermione realised that she was getting more frustrated ‘But we’re all trying to, I don’t know, redeem ourselves after what happened last year. I’m not a good person, but I believe you see yourself as one, and isn’t forgiveness something good people practice?’  
‘It’s not just about what happened last year. It’s about everything that happened before that. You, both of you, bullied me, and others like me, for years. Do you expect me to just forget that all because suddenly we’re here together? Do you want us to bond over coming back to school? There’s nothing that could excuse your behaviour’ Hermione was raising her voice with each word, and she could feel her eyes filling with tears.  
‘We were just kids…’  
‘I was a kid too, Pansy! But I would never call anyone a Mudblood. I would never mock anyone for their hair, or their teeth, or being ambitious and committed. This is not an excuse. Just leave me alone, please’ 

Hermione threw herself on her bed, covered her head with a pillow and screamed. She wasn’t sad, she was way past the stage when she felt sad about being called a Mudblood. She was angry, annoyed, enraged at the fact that, once again, her life was being ruined by Slytherins. At the same time, she knew there was validity to whatever Pansy said, but she was too stubborn and too proud to actually let go. Her thoughts were all over the place and she didn’t know how to make sense of any of it. She wouldn’t be able to avoid them – they were tied together by the class project, so the only question remained whether she’d be able to swallow her pride and call it a truce or carry on as mortal enemies.  
And then remembered the events of the previous day. She couldn’t forget the sight of Pansy and Draco in that empty classroom. Every time her mind drifted back to that moment her heart sunk a bit and she couldn’t tell why. She told herself it was jealousy because she never felt whatever they’d seemed to feel in that moment, but maybe this wasn’t all she was jealous of. It wasn’t just about her being embarrassed because of walking in on them, but rather about everything that came after – the smell of Pansy’s perfume in the classroom, Draco’s warm breath on her cheek. The harder she tried not to think of both of them, the harder it was to actually stop. She told herself it was post-break-up sadness; after all, not everything about being with Ron was completely and utterly terrible. She missed the feeling of having someone to rely on, even if that person wasn’t the most reliable. She missed being hugged, and held, and she missed feeling like she belonged – not to someone, but with someone. The point was, she never belonged with Ron the way Pansy belonged with Draco. They seemed to complete each other like well-measured ingredients in the most poisonous brew, meanwhile Hermione and Ron were two you should never mix together.  
That night, she battled with her thoughts, all tangled into a complicated spiral, only to wake up and realise there was a lot more she needed to deal with.


	2. Chapter 2

For most of the week, Hermione managed to successfully avoid any contact with Draco and Pansy. They both seemed to keep their distance from her, and she must have admitted it was surprisingly refreshing – after all these years of them throwing her disgusted looks from across the Great Hall and making sure to dunch her in the hallways every chance they got, not being a subject of their bullying felt actually quite nice. She knew she couldn’t escape them forever, and from time to time it was her glancing at them nervously during meals, making sure each time they wouldn’t notice. Every time her eyes wandered beyond the Gryffindor table she was filled with a complicated mixture of emotions – from shame to disgust to confusion. She kept repeating Pansy’s voice when she said they were just kids. Could children be blamed for the toxic influence of their parents? Could a child be blamed for decisions made by his father? She didn’t know Pansy’s family history – she’d always assumed she’d been like everyone else: privileged and selfish, not able to see anything beyond her own nose. But how can a child, an 11-year-old girl, be filled with so much spite for the world? Hermione was so lucky; to have parents who raised her to grow up into a young woman she was. She didn’t think of herself as better than anyone else, but maybe she’d also grown up with a privilege she wasn’t aware of?   
She sighed and turned her eyes back to the bowl of steaming porridge in front of her. It was Friday morning and her stomach was tied into a knot, but she knew she had to eat something. After battling with her own thoughts through the whole week she still wasn’t able to come to a clear solution – and that was so unusual of her. Usually she was the one having all the answers, and if she didn’t, she was the one to find a way of finding them. But this time was different. Part of the problem was the issue of trust – how could she trust any of them. How was she supposed to put her own life out in the open not knowing if this wasn’t just another joke, a way of further humiliating her? On the other hand, she couldn’t help but want to be a hero. What if this was a chance of seeing who Pansy and Draco really were? Of giving them a real chance of redeeming themselves. Maybe they weren’t the villains, maybe they’d never been ones. Maybe villains were created only after everyone else had given up on them.   
Hermione got up from the table, leaving her bowl half full. She looked quickly towards the Slytherin table, noticing that Pansy and Draco were gone already. Not being able to drag it out any longer, she made her way down to the dungeons. Without any answers, she felt strangely unsure and vulnerable, but was hoping everything would just sort itself out.  
She pushed the door to one of the smaller rooms assigned to them for the projects and, as expected, both Slytherins were already inside. Pansy, sitting on Draco’s knee, was playing with his hair and Hermione noticed that they got longer since the previous summer. They were talking quietly to each other and she couldn’t really make out their words. She cleared her throat, still standing by the door. She couldn’t leave, but it felt safer keeping her distance. Both students looked at her immediately and she was almost sure that for a brief second, a gentle smile crawled up on Pansy’s lips.   
‘Be nice’ she whispered to Draco, making the words quiet enough for Hermione not to be able to hear them. Next, she jumped off his knee and circled the table to get closer to the Gryffindor girl.   
‘Nice of you to join us, Granger’ said Draco, spreading on his chair and lacing is fingers behind is head. Pansy shot him a disapproving look, before turning back to Hermione. She was clearly attempting to be nice, putting on a big smile that was so unusual for her.   
‘What he means is, he’s sorry for calling you a mud… for whatever he said last time’ she said, her voice definitely too sweet for her personality. Hermione felt like she was in some weird dream in which suddenly Pansy acquired some moral code. ‘Right?’ she added, after no one said anything.   
‘Yeah, whatever’ for some reason, Hermione thought that Draco putting an act of a never bothered by anything privileged asshole was getting a bit boring, but she decided to save that thought for later.  
‘Look, you don’t have to pretend to be nice to me’ Hermione directed her words specifically at Pansy, since Draco wasn’t even pretending to be nice. Or maybe not being a complete asshole was his version of nice? She couldn’t really tell. ‘I don’t want any problems, just want to get all the projects done so we can never see or talk to each other again’ she continued, walking to the desk and taking her books out. 

For most of the time, they worked in a complete silence. They read through their notes and instructions, prepared the ingredients, wrote down any observations. Surprisingly, Hermione realised Pansy was quite smart – she knew her way around all the ingredients and potions, she seemed focused and determined to get everything right at the first try. The two of them did most of the work, while Draco observed from the side, from time to time throwing in some not so useful comments. Hermione observed Pansy carefully, noticing that when focused, she seemed completely different – her facial features got softer, as if she wasn’t forcing herself to be someone she wasn’t. She looked beautiful and Hermione was wondering why everyone had ever made fun of her for being ugly. Her alabaster white skin was accentuated with a short, black bob, too short to tie up so she had to brush the hair away from her face every now and then. She looked like the complete opposite of Draco, but at the same time seemed so similar. Hermione wasn’t surprised they drifted towards each other, although she had suspected before that Pansy was desperate to keep Draco interested in her because of his power and influence in the wizarding world. Even if this had been true at the very beginning, they’d stuck together through the years and they were still here. The only two Slytherins left, trying to make a life for themselves after everything they’d ever known crumbled into ashes.   
Hermione was chopping the last ingredients, with her eyes stupidly focused on Pansy and her thoughts wondering all over the place, when she felt a sharp pain. She looked down on her hands, seeing only blood dripping out of her palm too quickly to be completely safe, and dropped the knife down to the floor.   
‘Granger?’ Pansy asked, walking over and searching the room for anything she could use to stop the bleeding. Failing to do so, she took her tie off and reached for Hermione’s hand, tying it around her wound. Her face twisted in pain, but she looked up at Pansy feeling slightly embarrassed. She wasn’t sure if she saw her watching her all this time, and she hated to bring any more attention towards her. ‘You better get it looked at. We wouldn’t like you to bleed out to death’ Pansy said stepping back. She looked towards Draco, who was observing them from his seat with an unreadable expression. ‘Can you finish this off? Throw that in, stir 3 times clockwise and note down the time you’re done. I’ll walk her to the hospital wing’   
‘I’m not an idiot, Parkinson’ Draco got up, putting away the knife Hermione cut herself with and taking the remaining ingredients off the chopping board.   
‘No, you’re just a lazy bastard’ Pansy replied, but smiled saying the words. Hermione looked between the two of them, not sure if offending each other was their way of expressing affection. At this point, nothing would really surprise her. ‘Come on’ Pansy turned towards her, grabbing their bags and leading out of the Dungeons.   
They walked in silence for a while, both presuming that they didn’t have much to talk about anyway. After some time, the silence became to feel more like burden; it was awkward and uncomfortable, but breaking it felt even more out of place. Hermione realised that she’d never really talked to Pansy. She didn’t even know much about her, other than what she’d imagined.  
‘You didn’t have to walk with me, you know’ Hermione said finally, turning her head to look at Pansy. Her hand still felt a bit stingy and she could tell it was still bleeding, but she wasn’t anywhere near fainting and she suspected it wasn’t anything other than a simple cut.   
‘And what? Be blamed for your death? I might be a bad person, but I’m not a cold-hearted murderer’ Pansy replied, and Hermione wasn’t sure, if she was being serious, or trying to make a joke.   
‘I don’t think you’re a bad person’ the Gryffindor girl admitted, holding her eyes focused on Pansy. She didn’t smile, they weren’t at the stage of exchanging smiles yet. In fact, they weren’t at any stage. Definitely not friends, but Hermione doubted they were enemies anymore.   
‘What do you think I am, then?’   
Hermione hesitated for a moment. If she said whatever she thought, she would admit that she was going to give both Pansy and Draco a second chance. ‘I don’t know. I don’t really know you very well.’   
‘You have a whole year to find out then’ Pansy winked at her and opened the door to the hospital wing. Hermione followed inside, feeling like some weight was taken off her shoulders. At the same time, she made a note to exclude that information from her next letter to Harry. She didn’t need his opinion on any of that, and she definitely didn’t want to hear him say how naïve she was for trusting the snake. It was enough to have all of that in her own head. 

Pansy waited for Hermione sitting on one of the beds with her legs hanging down, observing Madame Pomfrey at work. As usual, she gave them the speech about being reckless, admitting that she expected more from Hermione. Pansy was sure that, when she wasn’t looking, Madame Pomfrey cautioned Hermione about hanging out with miss Parkinson. Apparently, her bad reputation exceeded her. She wasn’t even surprised, and she preferred bad reputation from no reputation. Part of her couldn’t blame everyone else from turning their backs on her – after all she was the girl urging students to hand Harry Potter over to lord Voldemort. If she was being completely honest, she didn’t even regret it and would probably do it again. She hated his guts, the way he carried himself like he was better than anyone else just because he was the boy who fucking lived. She didn’t know Hermione very well, but still couldn’t understand how the girl like her – ambitious, smart and pure – could ever be friends with him.   
She did regret other things though – making her way through Hogwarts as a bully, ending up with no friends besides Draco, who she wasn’t sure even considered her a friend, or just a lifebelt he could hold on to. She’d always told herself she didn’t need other people; she was the strongest when she was on her own. Alone, she survived losing a mother and being raised by a father who didn’t care much about keeping the father-daughter boundaries. But she made it out, scarred but stronger, only sometimes missing someone she could confide in. Draco was never one for heart-to-heart conversations and being a shoulder to cry on, and there was no one else she trusted with her deepest secrets. It didn’t mean she was suddenly going to become best friends with Hermione Granger, but maybe the brave, smart Gryffindor girl could teach her a few things. 

Leaving the hospital wing, they both knew they weren’t really enemies anymore. The truce called itself, through a set of circumstances and without any of them having to say the words they were afraid to speak. Hermione took away her bag from Pansy, walking down the stairs. It was close to midday and the September sun was at its highest, still remembering the warmth of the summer. She didn’t have a class until after lunch, and something was urging her to just go outside and enjoy probably one of the last sunny days.   
‘How do you feel about taking a walk?’ she asked Pansy, surprising herself with that offer. If she was going to get to know her properly, she might as well start immediately. The Slytherin girl nodded and followed her out of the castle out to the grass and down to the lake.   
At first, the conversation seemed awkward and forced. They couldn’t find anything they had in common – a muggle-born and a pure blood. But the longer they tried, the easier it got. Pansy liked cats; she’d used to have one when she was a child, but it’d run away. It didn’t surprise Hermione that it was completely black. She found out Pansy also liked reading; she wasn’t sure why she assumed Pansy didn’t care much for education. They stuck to safe and mundane subjects – books and travels, plans for after they graduate, favourite bands and the dislike towards Quidditch. Hermione realised Pansy wasn’t so mean when she didn’t have a particular reason to be, and Pansy admitted that Hermione was less annoying now that they actually talked.   
They sat down on the grass and Hermione brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. She stared at the water in the lake, glittering under the rays of sunshine. They’d been quiet for a while now, having ran out of mundane topics to talk about, but this time the silence didn’t feel heavy anymore. She turned her head to look at Pansy and saw her lying down with her eyes closed. Hermione observed her for a moment, thinking if it was in that moment that they were becoming friends. Could it be possible that one day was able to change everything that’d happened in the past seven years? It was difficult to deny that she really didn’t think of Pansy as a bad person, not anymore. And she did feel lonely; she knew a lot of people at school, but no one close enough to actually be friends with. There was always Ginny, and while Hermione appreciated her friendship, what good does just one friend do? Pansy Parkinson seemed like an unusual choice of a friend, but so were Harry and Ron. For some reason, she really enjoyed her company. She had a different energy – seemed reckless, unafraid, unstoppable. Hermione realised she herself was quite uptight, but she promised herself to try and let loose at least a little bit. As much as she loved studying, she didn’t want to waste her youth on saying no to things just because other people thought they didn’t suit her.  
‘I know you’re watching me, Granger’ Pansy opened her eyes, meeting Hermione’s gaze. She pushed herself up a bit on her shoulders and bent her head to the side. ‘Contemplating if I’m worth your trust?’ she stood up, blocking the sunlight and looking down at Hermione. ‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe you shouldn’t trust me. But if you want to live a little, you have to risk a little’ she winked at her and gathered her things, walking back towards the castle. Hermione suppressed the will to chase after her. Instead, she rested her chin on the top of her knees and realised that she was smiling the way she hadn’t smiled in a long while. The sudden, unexpected feeling of warmth spread through her body and she couldn’t believe that she was looking forward to seeing Pansy again. 

At lunch, Hermione couldn’t stop herself from constantly looking towards the Slytherin table. She saw Draco and Pansy, sitting away from anyone else, exchanging some words from time to time, never looking her way. She wondered if Pansy told him about their day, and how he reacted. Was he as ready as her to swallow his pride and at least attempt to be friends? For some reason, friendship with Pansy seemed easier than even imagining a friendship with Draco. As long as they could tolerate each other until the end of this year, she would be satisfied.   
At dinner Hermione purposely sat at the table with her back towards the Slytherins. She didn’t want Pansy to know she was still thinking about her words. For some reason the idea of doing something so out of character thrilled her. Yes, it was terrifying – leaving her comfort zone and stepping out into the complete unknown seemed like a pure definition of terrifying, but it felt necessary. She’d spent all her Hogwarts years being a side character. How many times her knowledge had helped to save Harry from the worst fate possible? How many times he would have failed if it wasn’t for her? And yet it was she that had to go back to Hogwarts if she wanted to make a career for herself, while job offers were flooding through his window from every possible profession imaginable in a wizarding world. He’d always said he didn’t want the fame, but he didn’t mind when the Weird Sisters wrote a song about him, or when he was invited to be a guest player on Puddlemore United. She had enough of being a side character in someone else’s story. And she was tired of people always expecting the most from her. Part of her breaking up with Ron was trying to find herself and maybe she had to risk it all to be able to do that.   
Having finished her dinner, Hermione got up from the table and headed straight to Gryffindor common room. She felt adrenaline rushing through her veins, both excited and nervous about where her potential friendship with Pansy may lead. She wasn’t even sure this really was what it was. Were they’re friends, or just classmates? Would Pansy talk to her outside of the Potions class, or would she dismiss her and keep being rude in front of other students to keep up her reputation? Ready to take the risk or not, Hermione wasn’t able to just turn her brain off (no matter how badly she wished to) and by the time she got to her dorm, she was once again flooded with doubt. She walked in, finding Ginny sitting on the bed with a book and a cat on her lap.   
‘I think I might be friends with Pansy Parkinson’ Hermione announced, successfully bringing Ginny’s attention to herself. She fell heavily on her bed, shaking her head.  
‘Hermione, you might have to elaborate on that’ the redhead was clearly surprised, but she was probably one of the kindest, patient and open-minded people Hermione had ever known and she had no doubt about being able to confide in her.   
‘I’m not exactly sure there is anything to elaborate on just now, but I spent half a day in her company, and she wasn’t terrible’ Hermione laughed at the very sound of that. She couldn’t call Pansy kind, because she kept being herself – rolling eyes at Madame Pomfrey, scaring first years away, swearing at boys wolf whistling at them when they were walking past. With dark hair and nails painted black, combat boots worn with her skirt instead of flat shoes like every other girl, she looked exactly like someone you were both intrigued with and afraid of. And considering their past, Hermione was a little bit of both. ‘Please, just don’t mention anything to Ron. Or Harry’ she added, knowing neither of them would be happy receiving such news. Sometimes she thought Harry and Ron’s whole agenda had been to spite the Slytherins, and as much as she didn’t care about what they had to say about it, she wanted to keep it to herself for now, and just let it be whatever it was meant to be.


	3. Chapter 3

Draco woke up feeling _rough._ His head was pounding, his eyes stinging from even the smallest exposure to light and every time he tried to get up, he felt like he was about to empty the insides of his stomach. Last night was a collection of sounds and smells. He remembered how it’d all started – some of the Slytherin students managed to sneak in some wine from the kitchen and they all sat in the common room drinking and laughing until the world started to spin, their worlds became lighter and emotions easier to deal with. The taste of bitter wine reminded him of the summer; long, warm nights spent on drinking the sadness away. For most of the time, he’d been alone, not able to realise when the days had turned into nights and into days again. Sometimes, Pansy had been with him – massaging his back when he’d been bent over the toilet, washing his face with warm water. He didn’t remember much; only the pain that wouldn’t go away.

Being Draco Malfoy was all he had ever known. He felt like he couldn’t exist without the name and the family behind him. He didn’t miss his father, just the power his name and position gave him. Without them, he was no one. Alcohol took some of that away. He didn’t care anymore, he wouldn’t probably be back at Hogwarts if his mother hadn’t insisted, and he would do anything to make her smile the way she had when he’d been a little boy. He hadn’t seen that smile in a very long time.

Last night hadn’t felt good. He was sure at some point Pansy stood up, asking him to call it quits and go to bed, but he must have drunkenly refused because she’d stormed out of the room and he’d reached for another glass. Draco wasn’t sure how he had ended up in his bed but was glad it was actually his bed – and that it was empty.

He dragged himself out of bed and put fresh clothes on. He splashed the cold water on his face, but it didn’t wash away the dark circles under his eyes, now even more visible because of how pale he’d gotten. The pain felt good – it reminded him that he was alive, and that he deserved everything that had ever happened to him.

‘Malfoy! Last night was fun, we should do it again’ some sixth year patted him on a shoulder when he was heading out of the dungeon. He nodded, feeling like his head was about to explode.

In the Great Hall there was no sight of Pansy, and partially he was glad. He knew very well the way she was with him – too overprotective, but in a harsh way, not letting anyone on the outside see that she had any feelings other than pure anger. He didn’t eat and the smell of the food itself made him feel sick, so he headed out early walking back down to the dungeon. It was Monday again, second week of being back to Hogwarts and he had a Potions class with no one else but Hermione Granger herself.

Of course, she was there already – sitting in an empty class with her nose in a book, a parchment and a quill put neatly on the desk. She didn’t raise her head until he fell down on the chair beside her. Hermione gave him one short look, went back to her book and then looked up again.

‘You stink, Malfoy’ she said, and it was something he completely did not expect to hear from her mouth.

‘Nice to see you too’ he muttered hoping she wouldn’t ask questions, but the girl closed her book and it usually didn’t spell anything good. She asked questions as often as she answered them, and for the most part he found it unusually annoying.

Hermione put her book away and turned in her seat to be able to face him. ‘What happened?’ she asked, and Draco could tell her brain was working on the highest speed. Last year she would never talk to him like that. But then last year he wouldn’t willingly sit with her during class, so maybe some things had changed.

‘Mother didn’t teach you to keep out of other people’s business?’

‘Just cut it, Draco’ it was the first time he heard her using his first name, and surprisingly he didn’t hate it. ‘You act like you don’t care, like you’re so much better than everyone, but really you’re just like everyone else. You threw Harry your wand. You helped him defeat Voldemort. People who don’t care don’t do anything like that’

Draco looked at her for a second too long. He raised his hands and clapped theatrically after getting up to his feet. ‘Great speech, Granger. But you should save it for someone who actually cares.’

‘Where do you think you’re going? The class is about to start!’ Hermione called after him, but he just raised his hand and waved without turning back.

‘Take the notes, I might need them’

He passed some other students walking down to the dungeon and ignored their curious looks, until he ran into Pansy almost skipping down the stairs.

‘Hey, where are you going?’ she asked and stopped blocking the way when he didn’t acknowledge her presence.

‘Away’ Draco didn’t bother stopping, just kept walking out of the dungeons, out of the castle and then far down to the lake.

Pansy walked into the classroom right before their teacher, turning around to look at the door as if she was hoping Draco would change his mind. When he didn’t show, she made her way to take a seat next to Hermione.

‘Did you see Draco?’ Hermione asked, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t help but sound concerned. Something was clearly wrong with Malfoy, more wrong than usually, and as her friendship with Pansy grew stronger, she had to empathise with Draco as well knowing how close the two were.

‘He just left. Did he say anything to you?’

‘No, do you really think he would even talk to me about anything?’

‘Did _you_ say anything to him?’ Pansy raised her eyebrow, taking advantage of the fact that the class hadn’t started yet.

‘I… I might have mentioned that he was pretending not to care and reminded him of what happened during the battle of Hogwarts?’ Hermione replied unsure, turning her eyes away from Pansy.

‘You said what? Look, Granger, I appreciate you trying to do your best, as always, and I admit you’re not as bad as we’ve always thought, but there are things you really should stay away from’ Pansy was clearly angry, so Hermione decided to do exactly what she asked. She stayed away from her through the rest of the class, and afterwards she gathered her things and left the room first, not stopping to look at her. She wasn’t exactly mad about what Pansy had said. In fact, she was right about some things and maybe it wasn’t her place to bring back the memories of last summer and everything that had happened. After all, even if she thought it worked out best for everyone, it clearly hadn’t for Draco and maybe she needed to learn to respect that. Maybe in years to come, Slytherins would come to appreciate the defeat of Lord Voldemort, but right now the wounds caused by losing friends and family were still fresh and painful. She still occasionally wept after the death of Fred, Tonks and Lupin. They’d lost so many people during the war and just because she wasn’t the one sitting around allowing her sorrows take over didn’t mean everyone else could move on so easily. After all, Death Eaters or not, Draco lost friends and family as well.

Draco wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but it couldn’t have been a lot. After leaving the castle he headed straight out of the castle down to the lake. He picked up some stones and threw them into the water, watching them sink one by one. Each time, his throws were getting stronger and he was putting more energy into his movements. He was so angry. So, so very angry, and there was nothing that could make him feel better. He wanted to walk into the water and never come out. He wanted someone to throw Obliviate at him, so he could forget the feelings and everything that caused them. But most of all, he wanted people to stop looking at him like he was a villain, a victim, a wounded lost dog that couldn’t find his place.

He took his shoes off and rolled up his trousers. He walked into the lake, letting the water hit his bare ankles. Every now and then, he would take couple steps more, until the water rose up to his knees, his waist, his chest, his mouth, until it swallowed him whole. It was cold, but he didn’t mind. When he closed his eyes, he felt tired and it would be so easy to just drift away carried by the lake. He thought that no one would notice, but then realised some people would – Pansy would come looking for him if he didn’t come back at the end of the day. His mother would weep after him, and she’d been through enough. Losing the only son would most likely break Narcissa completely. Even Granger, damn Granger, would notice he disappeared. She wouldn’t weep but would probably pity poor Slytherin boy who made so many mistakes and couldn’t handle their weight.

 _Only the weak give up, Draco._ He heard his father’s voice and was afraid to open his eyes, thinking he might find him standing right next to him. _You are the disappointment. I was too lenient with you; let you do whatever you wanted only for you to betray me. Betray your own father. You make me sick._

Draco came back up, struggling for air. He swam closer to the shore until his feet felt the sand beneath and walked out, dropping down to the grass. Only then he realised, he wasn’t alone.

‘Malfoy…’ Hermione stood staring at Draco as he flinched hearing his own name. He used to feel proud of it, but now the only thing he felt was disgust. He didn’t turn to look at where she was standing, feeling embarrassed that she managed to catch him in such vulnerable state. How long had she been there? How much had she seen?

‘Go away’ he said, rubbing his palms against his eyes. The headache was back, and her presence did not help. After a moment of complete silence, he hoped she listened. He dared to look, but she was still there, hanging around like a ghost, watching him with this awful, concerned look on her face as if she was a saint coming to his rescue. He didn’t need rescuing, what he needed was some damn peace. 

‘Malfoy, what happened?’ she repeated and made few steps forward. She saw him walking into the lake when she was further away, and by the time she got closer, he was long gone underneath the surface.

‘Don’t call me that’ Draco clenched his jaw, shaking his head. ‘Didn’t you hear when I asked you to go away?’

‘No’ the firmness in her voice surprised him. She always seemed so passive, afraid of getting in his way. A couple of unpleasant words and annoyed voice were usually enough to drive her away. But not this time, she stood right in front of him, crossing her arms on her chest and staring right into his eyes. She wasn’t afraid anymore, at least not of him.

‘I’m not going away until you answer my question’ Draco could tell from her expression that this time he wouldn’t be able to get rid of her so easily. He let out a short laugh.

‘You don’t let go, do you?’ he asked. For some reason, talking to her made him feel lighter. Maybe it was the fact that his thoughts became preoccupied with something different – rather than focusing on what was bothering him, he tried his best to make her go away. ‘Why do you even care? I’m sure Potter and Weasley would disapprove.’

Hermione turned her eyes away for a short second, and Draco was convinced a shadow of guilt passed through her face. ‘I blame myself, a little bit’ she answered and the persistence he saw in her just a while ago was almost completely gone.

‘Fuck, Granger. You and Potter really have a lot in common. You both like making martyrs out of yourselves. But it’s not about you. Here, you can go away now knowing it’s not your fault’ he laughed again before she managed to explain, but it sounded the way it’d used to. As if he was laughing at her.

‘Then tell me. What is it about?’ she dropped to her knees sitting on the grass opposite of him. Why wouldn’t she just leave? Did she decide to make it her agenda to save whatever was there to save in him? He hesitated for a second, his lower lip quivering as it did every time he was on the edge. What if he just poured all her secretes to this Muggle born girl he’d always hated? What if he only ever hated her because he didn’t know anything else? What if he trusted Pansy and gave her a chance?

Draco let his eyes drop down to look at his knees and drew a deep breath. ‘I lost everything’ he said finally, and this time she didn’t rush him to continue. She sat in complete silence, letting him go at his own pace. ‘I lost the titles, my father, my house, my friends. You don’t understand how it feels to live a certain life and then have it all taken away from you’ he didn’t seem sad, but rather angry and frustrated because he was forced to feel this way. He hated being vulnerable, but he was glad to be vulnerable in front of someone he knew was capable of sympathy.

‘We all lost things…’

‘No’ he interrupted raising his eyes on her. His whole face went darker, and for a moment Hermione got afraid. Not that he might do something to her, rather afraid of where this conversation may lead later. ‘My whole life was built around what _he_ believed in. What he taught us. It’s not just about losing a house or a friend, it’s about losing the essence of what my life was’ his voice was harsh and angry, but he felt close to giving up. It was the first time he put these thoughts into words, and it felt like they finally came true. When Voldemort fell, he took with him Draco’s whole universe.

‘But what he believed was wrong. Can’t you see? Isn’t life better with all wizards and witches living in peace?’ she smiled gently, and this expression made him sick to his stomach.

‘Who are you to say what is right or wrong? I’m not saying what he believed in was good, but it was all I’d ever known’.

For the first time in a while, Hermione was speechless. She couldn’t disagree, and there was nothing she could say to make him feel better, so she did the only thing that came to her mind. She reached out her hand and placed it on top of his, gently squeezing his fingers. For a moment he looked surprised, but this quickly passed, and he seemed angrier than before.

‘Are you proud of yourself now? You got what you wanted? You can now go and tell everyone’ he got up, picked up his jacket and started towards the castle. ‘I’m pretty sure no one cares anyway’ he muttered more to himself, but Hermione still manage to hear that.

‘I would never tell. And people care, you know. Even though you’ve been, and still are, a massive asshole to them for 7 years’ she called after him and got up. She ran a bit to catch up. ‘Pansy’s worried about you, and I’m Pansy’s friend which means I’m worried, too.’ she said, trying to keep up but also keep a safe distance.

‘Still doesn’t make us friends.’

‘I’m pretty sure it does’ Hermione smiled and felt relieved. She knew getting Draco on her side would take more time, but they had the whole year to work on it. And she wasn’t the one to give up on friends, not after all she had learned. Draco, on the other hand, felt much better, despite not wanting to admit that to himself. He cast Hermione a discreet look as they were walking towards the castle and couldn’t help but think she looked accomplished. Perhaps Granger had some strange agenda planned, but weirdly he didn’t mind.

When Draco and Hermione walked into the main hall, they both noticed Pansy running down the stairs towards them. She ran up to Draco and, ignoring the fact that he was dripping water, threw her arms around his neck. Next, she stepped back and reached her arms, pushing him slightly.

‘Fuck you, Draco!’ she screamed, and Hermione stepped to the side surprised. ‘I was really worried about you! Why are you wet? Did you do THAT again?’ she turned to Hermione and raised her eyebrows ‘Did he do that again?’ she asked and only then Hermione realised that Pansy had tears in her eyes.

‘Pansy, not here, please’ Draco said, trying to reach for her but she raised her arms in defence and stepped back.

‘Do you know what he did this summer?’ she was talking to Hermione completely ignoring Draco’s attempts to stop her. Her voice was filled with worry, anger and accusations. ‘We stayed in this cabin by the lake, and one time he disappeared. I tried to give him some space, but I was worried, so I used the spell to track him…’

‘Pansy, I’m serious, Granger doesn’t need to…’

‘No!’ she shouted at him again, before turning back to Hermione. ‘So, it led me to the other side of the lake, and he was in the water, completely ignoring me, only that he wasn’t ignoring me, he was unconscious. Not breathing at all’ Hermione’s eyes went wide open and she looked between Pansy, who had tears now running down her cheeks, and Draco, who was even paler than usual, looking like he wanted to make himself disappear. ‘You can’t keep doing that to me, Draco. I asked you last night not to drink. Every time you disappear I just…’ she broke down, and Hermione was completely certain Pansy was no longer the bully she used to know. She stepped closer, wrapping her arms around the Slytherin girl and stroking her hair. When she finally calmed down, Hermione let her go.

‘Pansy I promise, I wasn’t going to… not this time’ Draco’s voice was completely changed, and Hermione couldn’t believe the shift. He and Pansy were a weird couple, caring for each other as if they didn’t have anyone else to care for them. Because maybe they didn’t.

‘You’re an ass’ Pansy let out a laugh and Draco pulled her closer, kissing her gently. Hermione suddenly felt out of place and sensing the right opportunity, she tried to walk away heading for the library.

‘Hey, Granger!’ before she got too far, she heard Pansy calling her name. She turned around, seeing them holding hands.

‘See you in class, friend’ she was convinced Draco winked at her, before he and Pansy disappeared down the stairs to the dungeons. She carried on to the library, thinking about one of the weirdest days she’d ever experienced.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY for taking so long to update the story, but I promise I'll do my best to keep updates regular from now on! Hope you enjoy :)

That night, Hermione couldn’t sleep. She kept thinking about Draco in that lake. Had he wanted to die, or had he been looking for a thrill? She thought about Pansy, in tears and almost hysterical, shouting at Draco in the main hall. She realised how human they’d seemed; how ashamed Draco had looked when Pansy had been telling her the whole story. Hermione had never considered it, but the war seemed to have ruined them all, to a certain extent. They’d always been enemies, but at that moment Hermione was almost sure that were already becoming friends, with a bond that could possibly as strong as what she once had with Ron and Harry. When sleep finally came, it was restless and short, disturbed by dreams that didn’t make any sense when she woke up.

The rest of the week passed surprisingly quickly. The amount of work they had to do for each class was picking up, and their teachers seemed to expect more and better-quality homework, so Hermione was forced to put aside everything else that was bothering her. She focused on writing papers and practicing spells in the company of Ginny, and even sometimes Pansy, although different schedules and classes they took didn’t really make it easy to spend any time together. She barely saw Draco, and part of her thought he was avoiding her. She wouldn’t be surprised if that was true, but part of her felt disappointed. She’d been hoping they were getting somewhere as classmates, project partners and maybe even friends.

‘And how’s Ron doing?’ Hermione asked carefully during Friday dinner, sitting opposite of Ginny and staring into her plate rather than looking at her friend. They’d been talking about the last letter Ginny received from Harry, all about his new job and how amazing life out of school was for him, and Hermione must have admitted she was getting a bit jealous. She was supposed to be the one that always succeeded, and while she was happy for Harry, considering how much he’d been through, she’d been through almost as much over the years as him (and most, if not all, of it was precisely his fault), and she’d worked harder than anyone else in this damn castle, but somehow it was him succeeding only because of his name and a stupid scar on the forehead. She hated herself for feeling like that, but she also hated having to waste another year on being stuck at school instead of making a real change in the wizarding world.

‘He’s doing fine, Hermione. You don’t have to ask about him, you know. He told me what went down between you two and if we’re being honest, I’ve always thought you were too good for him’ Ginny’s words made Hermione look up, just to see the ginger girl smile from across the table. She returned the smile, nodding her head. Since meeting Ginny on the Hogwarts Express Hermione had felt obliged to ask about Ron, out of pure politeness. She didn’t regret things ending between them, but she sometimes wished it all had happened differently.

She was finishing her meal when she heard Ginny clear her throat. She saw her looking above Hermione’s head, and she turned to see Pansy standing behind her with a smile. Ginny raised her eyebrows, but Hermione ignored her, focusing her attention on the Slytherin girl.

‘Hey, Granger. I’m going to Hogsmeade tomorrow, do you want to come with?’ she asked way too nonchalantly, and Hermione couldn’t help but notice the delicate dimples that showed up on Pansy’s cheeks when she smiled. There was something about that smile that made her heart jump just for a second.

‘Is Draco coming?’ she asked carefully, observing Pansy’s reaction, but she didn’t behave any differently at the mention of Malfoy.

‘No, it’s just the two of us. So, what do you say?’ Pansy was looking at her expectantly, and Hermione nodded eventually, knowing that she wouldn’t say no either way. ‘Great, I’ll meet you at the main door’ Pansy winked at her, briefly squeezing Hermione’s shoulder with her hand, and then walked away disappearing behind the door to the Great Hall. Hermione followed her with her eyes, before turning back to Ginny who was observing the whole exchange. The girl had her eyebrows even higher now, smiling almost conspiratorially.

‘What?’ Hermione asked, trying to contain herself from smiling as if she just won a lottery. It was too difficult, because for unknown reason the idea of going to Hogsmeade with Pansy made her happy. Her stomach was tied in a tight knot and her heart started making twists and twirls inside her chest, when she remembered that wink Pansy left her with.

‘When you said you were becoming friends with Parkinson, and I didn’t expect it was that serious!’ Ginny exclaimed and burst out laughing. Hermione tried to shush her down a bit, and the Wesley girl just shook her head.

‘I know it’s moving quite fast, but I really like being around her. We’ve all made mistakes in the past, a maybe one of them was judging them all too quickly without seeing a full picture?’ Hermione said, truly believing in her words. They all had gotten a chance for a fresh start, and this was hers. Going into something completely unexpected, trusting her guts and letting her heart run free.

‘I don’t know, Hermione… They’re still Slytherins. And they’re Malfoy and Parkinson, the biggest bullies you could ever imagine’ Ginny furrowed, pushing her plate aside. ‘I’m not saying you shouldn’t try this… friendship. Just be careful. Don’t let them hurt you’ Hermione could tell Ginny was really worried, and she completely understood why. She would be, too, if it was someone else in her position. But for the past two weeks she’d given the whole situation a lot of thoughts, and what she’d seen from Pansy and Draco kept confirming that there was more to them than she’d ever gotten to see. And she was truly excited for how this friendship might turn out.

‘I know. I will be, don’t worry’ she said, getting up from the table. ‘I need to get some sleep, last night was awful’ she said to Ginny, leaving her in the company of her friends and heading up to the dorms.

On Saturday morning Hermione woke up bright and early, feeling well-rested and looking forward to the day outside the school. The weather looked like it would be absolutely lovely, with sun peeking through the drawn curtains and birds chirping happily outside the windows. She searched through her clothes, trying to pick something suitable to wear, and headed for breakfast. Walking into the Great Hall, she heard Pansy call her name and she turned around, stepping to the side to wait for the Slytherin girl to join her.

‘Good morning!’ she said cheerfully, and only then Hermione noticed that Draco was walking slowly behind Pansy, to eventually stop by her side. 

‘Hey’ she said, her enthusiasm suddenly fading away. Did Draco change his mind about joining them in Hogsmeade? She couldn’t deny that she was really looking forward to a chance of getting to know Pansy a bit better, but with Draco around… he made her lose all the confidence. Maybe it was because she still remembered all the hurtful things he had done. Even though for the most part she had forgiven him, it wasn’t easy to be around him without feeling like less of a person.

‘Are you ready for an adventure?’ Pansy asked, smiling at her and for a moment Hermione’s heart felt like it could actually jump out of her chest, despite the possibility of Malfoy completely ruining the day.

‘Ready. I thought you weren’t coming?’ she turned to Draco, tightening the grip around her bag. He sent her a brief smile.

‘I’m not. Don’t worry, I’m not planning to spoil your fun’ he chuckled, and Hermione actually felt both relieved, and guilty.

‘Shall we, then?’ Pansy said with an exaggerated annoyance in her voice. Hermione nodded, deciding not to mention how hungry she was. She briefly glanced at the full tables in the Great Hall, but quickly turned her eyes back to the couple of Slytherins.

‘Have fun’ Draco didn’t sound like he actually meant it, but Hermione presumed he always seemed like that no matter what he actually felt. Pansy climbed on her toes giving him a kiss on a cheek, before leading the way down the stairs.

They walked in complete silence for a while, both of them just looking around feeling uncomfortable with the lack of things they could talk about.

‘I’m sorry, about what happened to you during the summer’ Hermione eventually broke the silence, looking at Pansy to see the reaction. The Slytherin girl looked back, giving her a faint smile.

‘Don’t be, it’s not your fault. And it’s not Draco’s fault, either’ she surprised her with these words, and Hermione raised her eyebrows questioningly. ‘He’s never been taught how to deal with pain. In fact, I don’t think he’s been taught what to do with any emotion other than anger’ she explained, looking straight at the road ahead of them. In the distance they could already see the outline of Hogsmeade. ‘He’s not a bad person, Granger. He’s just lost. I am lost too, but we’re trying’ she looked at Hermione and smiled a bit more cheerfully. Hermione returned the smile, feeling a sudden surge of warmth filling her from the inside. She couldn’t point a finger exactly at what it was but being around Pansy made her feel a certain type of way she’d never felt before. In a way, it felt like a breath of fresh air. Parkinson was so different from everyone she’d ever surrounded herself with, and she just wanted to be in her presence every chance she got. ‘Anyway… What’s up with you and that Weasley boy?’ Pansy asked, looking ready for some good gossip. Hermione suddenly blushed, turning her head away to hide her embarrassment. She never liked talking about her relationship with anyone, and it felt even weirder now that it was all over.

‘There’s not much to tell. We broke up over the summer’ she answered trying to keep her voice as casual as possible.

‘No way! Why?’ Pansy was too curious to let go, and part of Hermione was glad she asked that question. She’d never actually explained what happened or how she felt to anyone other than Ron, who had seemed to completely ignore her feelings over his wounded pride.

‘It just wasn’t working. I felt like it was somehow implied that we should be together, but once it actually happened it didn’t feel right. And if I’d stayed with him, it would have been for the wrong reasons. It would be like settling for something just because it feels safe, at the same knowing that if only I was brave enough to go outside I might find something better’ she shrugged, and it felt like a huge weight was lifted of her shoulders and she could actually let go of the past and focus on the future, or the present.

‘I always thought you were too good for him’ Hermione held Pansy’s gaze for a moment, smiling at her not exactly sure what to say to that. ‘He seemed too ordinary. And you, Hermione Granger, are definitely not ordinary’ Parkinson looked a bit embarrassed with her own words and she looked away, right as they walked into the village. ‘Any special requests?’ Pansy asked as they strolled down the already quite crowded streets.

‘I’d kill for breakfast. I’m starving’ Hermione admitted, bursting out laughing. She could feel her stomach tying itself into a tight knot out of hunger. Pansy seemed to know the village way better than Hermione, and she led her down a side path to a small café that was almost empty, except for an older wizard sitting alone with a newspaper, and a woman standing behind the desk.

‘Pansy! The woman exclaimed as soon as they walked in, and Pansy’s face suddenly went bright red. The witch walked up to them, giving Pansy a tight hug that definitely made the Slytherin girl look quite uncomfortable. ‘It’s so nice to see you! How’s Draco doing? And who is your friend?’ the woman seemed quite bubbly and extremely friendly, as she grabbed both of their hands and led them to the table. She sat them down, immediately serving them with a steaming pot of coffee and glasses of pumpkin juice that looked like it was freshly made.

‘He’s doing better, Pat. This is Hermione Granger’ Pansy said smiling politely, although Hermione could tell she was still embarrassed, although she couldn’t really tell why.

‘Hermione Granger?’ the woman practically gasped, looking Hermione up and down. ‘I’ve heard so much about you, it’s so good to finally meet you!’ Pat winked, and Hermione could swear Pansy went couple shades redder on her face. ‘You girls must be starving. Let me quickly whip something up for you, it’s on me!’ she exclaimed, disappearing into the kitchen just to come back after couple of minutes with plates stacked with pancakes, eggs, waffles and fruits floating all around her.

They both left Pat’s with full stomachs, ready to explore the village and take some time away from everything going on in the castle.

‘Who is Pat?’ Hermione asked on their way to the bookstore, which was the obvious stop during every visit to Hogsmeade.

‘She’s an… old friend. Draco and I found her café in fourth year and it’s been our secret ever since. Or shall I say she found us, we were walking past one day, and she basically dragged us inside and filled us with food no one could resist’ she laughed, shaking her head as if she got lost in that memory.

‘She seems lovely’ Hermione added, observing Pansy carefully. She realised there were so many things she didn’t know about her, like the fact that she had a softer side she desperately tried to hide.

‘Yeah well, Granger. We weren’t always up to no good’ she said, not really building a wall between them, but nevertheless attempting to distance herself from who she was when she was making herself more vulnerable. Hermione must have admitted, she liked both Pansys equally, and she didn’t think one had to eliminate the other.

They walked into a bookstore, and Hermione immediately made her way towards textbooks, looking through more advanced books of spells and the new edition of the history of Hogwarts, now including details of the Battle of Hogwarts (with picture of Harry, obviously, as if he was the only person that contributed to the winning the war) and an exhaustive list of people who died. Her eyes immediately landed on the names of Tonks, Lupin and Fred. Her heart clenched painfully, and she shut the book, putting it back on the shelf. She didn’t want to allow herself to go back to these feelings that could so easily swallow her whole.

She found Pansy in the section with fiction, holding a stack of books with her hands.

‘Granger, you should definitely get this one’ she pushed a book into her hand, and Hermione looked on the cover, that looked nothing like books she enjoyed reading.

‘Is this a romance novel?’ she turned it in her hands to read the description, which only confirmed her suspicion.

‘It’s more of a… magical murder mystery with a romance in the background’ Pansy laughed, reaching for another book from the shelf and adding it to her pile. ‘It’s good though, really keeps you on the edge’ she laughed again, and even Hermione could tell she didn’t mean it just in the context of the murder mystery.

‘I don’t think it’s really my genre…’ she hesitated and was about to put it back where it belong, when Pansy stepped in her way.

‘Come on, Granger! You said you wanted to be brave. Try something new, get a book that’s out of your comfort zone, live a little. The world won’t end if you read something other than textbooks’ Pansy looked her straight in the eyes. She seemed completely serious about everything she just said, and Hermione wasn’t sure if she actually meant it or if she was mocking her.

‘Okay, fine. I’ll get it’ Hermione agreed and reached into her bag to take out her purse.

‘And you will read it’ Pansy added and headed to the counter to pay for her own shopping.

They ended the day just like every other student coming to Hogsmeade - in Three Broomsticks, sitting at the table in the corner over glasses of firewhisky. The burning sensation that appeared with the first sip disappeared the longer they drank, and even though Hermione was slightly concerned of the effect the alcohol may have on them, especially when walking back to the castle, she enjoyed the feeling of coming out of her comfort zone and doing something completely unexpected. They talked and laughed, exchanging stories about their school years and comparing perspectives. They seemed to make amends for everything that had happened before. Pansy apologised for every time she mocked Hermione’s appearance, admitting that, in fact, she’d always been a bit jealous of her.

‘You are beautiful, Granger’ she added, and Hermione didn’t know if it was the firewhisky talking, but she didn’t actually mind Pansy paying her a compliment.

‘You’re beautiful too, Parkinson’ she said back, and she actually meant it. With her pale skin and dark hair, Pansy’s appearance was absolutely enchanting, and Hermione didn’t know why anyone had ever made fun of her.

They were about to leave, feeling much happier and lighter, when someone stepped in their way, blocking the entrance.

‘What the…’ Pansy said, trying to push her way through, while Hermione just gasped, taking a step back.

‘Ron? What are you doing here?’ she looked at Ron, who seemed to be already quite drunk and clearly very surprised to see her, especially in the company of Pansy.

‘What are you doing here with her?’ he pointed a finger at Parkinson, almost poking her face, and she brushed it away with a disgusted look on her face.

‘That is none of your business, Ronald’ Hermione said matter-of-factly, getting around him to go to the door and get out. Pansy followed her and they left the pub, with Ron following in their footsteps.

‘You are my business! You can’t just leave me like that. I love you Hermione!’ he shouted and chased after them grabbing Hermione’s hand and pulling her into a hug. She could smell the alcohol on him as she struggled to free herself from his embrace.

‘Leave me alone, Ron’ she let out through gritted teeth and eventually pushed herself away. ‘I don’t love you. We’re done. Get over it.’ She stepped back, but once again he reached for her hand.

‘Fuck off, asshole’ Pansy finally stepped in, standing right next to Hermione.

‘What, are you friends now? Don’t you remember everything she’s ever said about you? You can’t possibly trust this stupid cow’ Ron laughed, and the sound actually sent a cold shiver down Hermione’s spine. She couldn’t believe she’d ever thought she could love him.

‘Ron, don’t…’ she tried to calm him down, but maybe he wasn’t the only one that needed calming down, because as soon as he got his words out Pansy landed a punch with her fist right into his nose. He screamed in pain, raising his hands to his face.

‘Come on’ Pansy grabbed Hermione’s hand and pulled her down the street. They didn’t stop until they got out of the village, and when they did, they were out of breath and laughing.

‘I can’t believe you just punched him’ Hermione said, shaking her head. She knew she shouldn’t laugh, but at the same time she really found the whole situation as hilarious as it was tragic.

‘He absolutely deserved it’ Pansy dropped her bag on the grass and sat down. They could see the lights of the castle on one side, and the lights of Hogsmeade on the other, but around them there was just complete darkness. When they looked up, the stars were glistening on the clear night sky above their heads. Hermione followed her, raising her legs up to her chest and looking at the stars. After a moment, she saw Pansy search through her bag and take out something that looked like a pack of muggle cigarettes and a lighter, two things she never expected Pansy Parkinson to hold in her hands.

‘Are these…?’

‘Muggle cigarettes? Yes, they are’ Pansy put one in between her lips and lightened it. Hermione observed her curiously, not sure what to make of it.

‘Where did you get these?’ she asked, slightly shocked considering that Pansy, a pure-blood who had always seemed to thrive from making the lives of Muggles, Muggle born and half-blood wizards unbearable, seemed quite familiar with using something that clearly belonged in a completely different world.

‘I knew a Muggle-born once who showed me some Muggle things, and this one just… stuck’ she answered rather concisely, blowing a cloud of smoke. Hermione wandered what Muggle-born would ever mange to get on Pansy’s good side.

‘You know this kills people, right?’ Hermione continued, being nevertheless hypnotised with the whole picture she had in front of her.

‘Life kills, Granger. You’re born, you live, and then you die.’ She said, turning her head to consider Hermione for a moment.

‘I know, but life is about something more than just living, I think’ Hermione replied. She was feeling braver than ever; maybe it was the firewhisky, or maybe she finally found what, or who, she needed to get her out of the shell.

‘Really? And what would that be?’ Pansy asked teasingly.

‘I don’t know, but I have the rest of my life to find that out’ she smiled and looked away, thinking about the fact that they both had their whole life stretching in front of them, and there were so many possibilities ready for them to grab.

‘Why wait for the rest of your life when you can start right now’ Pansy’s words made Hermione look back at the Slytherin girl, who never took her eyes of Hermione. What she said for some reason made her blush, and she was glad it was dark enough for Pansy not to see it. ‘What makes a good person good?’ Pansy asked out of the blue, when Hermione didn’t say anything. Surprised, she considered her question for a moment.

‘I think you have to be brave, before you can be good’ she answered finally, not really sure where this came from.

‘So, you’re saying that you need to be brave to become bad, and I need to be brave to become good?’ Pansy laughed and Hermione joined her, nodding her head.

‘Yeah, pretty much. You’re not just born a good person. I think we’re all equally good and bad, and we can decide which one we want to be. And being good sometimes takes more effort than being bad’ she explained, looking down at her hands, to then look back up at her friend. ‘But I think you’re already brave, Pansy. You just need to put this bravery into use’ she added a bit quieter.

‘I think you’re already brave, too.’ Pansy said, and before Hermione truly realised what was happening, Pansy leaned closer, pressing her lips to Hermione’s. It took her completely by surprise and it felt absolutely out of place, but at the same time it seemed surprisingly good and real. She closed her eyes, kissing Pansy back. Her lips felt soft and still had a faint taste of firewhisky and smoke, but Hermione didn’t mind. For a moment the feelings she’d had for the last couple of days started to make more sense – the need to be around Pansy all the time, the desire to know her better, the smile that creeped up on her lips when Pansy was around. But then the panic took over and Hermione thought about Draco, and the fact that Pansy was Pansy, and that she was a girl and despite how good it felt to kiss her, it seemed strangely wrong. She pulled out rapidly, jumping up to her feet and covering her mouth with her hand.

‘It’s late, we should go’ she murmured and turned around without waiting for Pansy, who followed a step behind Hermione. They made her way to the castle without talking and went to their dorms without saying a word.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been suffering a terrible writer's block recently, so I'm really sorry if the chapter absolutely sucks 😅

Hermione was sitting on the grass, reading a chapter for the History of Magic class. Or, at least, she was attempting to read, because words just seemed to float in front of her eyes without making any sense. It was Sunday afternoon, and everything that had happened up until this moment felt like a dream, and she was pinching her arm every now and then, trying to convince herself she really wasn’t sleeping.

Her mind was focused on the events of the previous night. More specifically, she was thinking about these few seconds when Pansy Parkinson kissed her. It felt unreal, mostly because she’d never imagined anything like that happening. In all her years of knowing Pansy, and in the past couple weeks during which they’d grown closer, the possibility of them developing any feelings for each other had never crossed Hermione’s mind. But then, if she was being honest, she wasn’t sure it was appropriate to think about any feelings at all – it was just a kiss; brief, unexpected, meaningless, and possibly caused by the mixture of alcohol and adrenaline after the encounter with even more drunk Ron.

She caught herself reading the same sentence over and over, not being able to move past it, and decided to make a conscious commitment to focusing on the reading instead of letting her thoughts carry her away somewhere else. There would be time to think about what had happened, and she’d thought about it enough on her way to the castle and in her bed at night. When she sneaked into the room, Ginny had still been awake, caught up in a book she’d reading and insisting on knowing all the details. Hermione omitted the kiss, but told her about Ron, to what Ginny had only one thing to say.

‘Oh yes, he sent me an owl, he’s coming over for a visit tomorrow’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Hermione had exclaimed and Ginny had giggled, putting her book down.

‘It just slipped my mind. Sorry, didn’t know you’d run into each other in Hogsmeade. I thought he’d be coming straight to the castle’ Ginny had shrugged and climbed under her covers, with Hermione doing exactly the same. She didn’t blame Ginny for what had happened, obviously, but the thought of Ron being in the castle made her feel really self-conscious.

Hermione managed to finish the chapter and then moved to the next one, when she heard a familiar voice.

‘Hermione, hi’ she turned her head to see Ron, blocking the sunlight with his figure. He looked sheepish and embarrassed, and she felt the satisfaction of seeing him this way. He deserved to feel all kind of guilt after last night.

‘Hello, Ronald’ she said slowly, closing her book and putting it down on the grass. She got up, because she didn’t like the feeling of him standing above her, especially when she was still cross with him.

‘I, um… I’m really sorry, about what happened last night. To be honest, I don’t remember much…’ she inhaled the air hearing his words, and then let it out slowly.

‘You don’t remember?’ she said, her voicing pointing to how mad she was. ‘Well, let me remind you, then. You were absolutely, completely, disgustingly drunk. You followed me and Pansy out of Three Broomsticks, you called Pansy a cow and, if that wasn’t enough, you said you loved me’ she tried to keep herself as composed as possible, but she could feel her hands shaking and her heart speeding up. She didn’t want to talk to him, not then and probably not ever.

‘I’m sorry, the only excuse I have is, well, being drunk. But I meant it… I do still love you, Hermione’ he answered almost pleadingly, and Hermione felt sick.

‘No, Ronald. You don’t get to say that. I don’t love you, and maybe I never have. It’s over, just leave me alone’ she stood in her place waiting for him to leave, because she wasn’t going to. He was the one approaching her, he was the one visiting the school, and she wasn’t going to give up her space just because she was annoyed at him.

‘Come on, Hermione. Don’t be like that’ he took a step forward and she took a step back. ‘We were good together. It was nice. Do you think you will ever find anyone better than me?’ her eyes widened, and she couldn’t believe what he was saying.

‘You did not just say that, Ronald Weasley’ she shook her head and then let out a short laugh.

‘Look, I don’t know what the deal is with you and Parkinson, but she’s probably using you for something. You can’t trust her. And I get that you’re lonely, now that me and Harry are not here…’

‘No, Ronald. Compared to what you might think, my whole live does not revolve around you and Harry. I am my own person. I am perfectly capable of making my own choices and finding my own friends’ her voice was getting louder and she was glad there was no one around to see that, but at the same time she knew she wouldn’t care either way. These things had to be said. Apparently breaking up with him wasn’t enough for Ron to understand she didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

Ron made another step forward, grabbing her hand and actually trying to pull her a bit closer. She wasn’t sure why he was doing that, or what he wanted to achieve, but his grip was too tight around her wrist and she wasn’t able to free herself.

‘Just give me another chance, Hermione. Please. Just listen to me’ he kept saying the same thing over and over again, and she kept asking him to let her go. But he was too stubborn, and probably hungover because she’d never seen him behave like that. Or maybe she just didn’t know him well enough, and maybe she never gave him the chance of showing his true self because for the most part, she obeyed whatever idea Harry and Ron had.

‘I wouldn’t do that, Weasley’ she heard a voice coming from behind her, and Ron immediately let go of her hand, stepping back and reaching for his wand. She saw Draco and Pansy coming closer across the grass, with Malfoy holding his wand fixed on Ron. ‘Do you want me to make you eat snails again?’ he mocked, and part of Hermione’s really wanted to see that. She wanted Ron to be humiliated the same way he just humiliated her. But then this wasn’t really like her – she didn’t like to resolve conflicts with violence. She put her hand on Draco’s forearm, pressing down slightly to make him lower his wand.

‘Don’t, please. He’s not worth it’ she looked at him and was ready to see him laugh, but instead he just blinked, looked at Pansy who gave him a slow nod, and then lowered his wand, stepping back.

‘I think you should leave. Now’ she turned to Ron and he did in fact leave. ‘You didn’t have to do that. I was managing him on my own’ she looked between the two Slytherins.

‘It didn’t look like it’ Draco answered coldly, putting his wand away.

‘Well, I was.’

‘Fine, if you say so’ Hermione rolled her eyes, picking up her bag from the grass.

‘Are you okay?’ Pansy asked, and Hermione noticed that she was more reserved than usual, avoiding looking at her. Was she embarrassed because of what happened between them?

‘I’m fine. I need to go’ Hermione said, knowing she couldn’t be around them right now, and needing more time to process everything. Had Pansy told Draco what had happened? Was he fine with it? Or was it just a mistake that they wouldn’t talk about at all?

* * *

Draco walked into the Slytherin common room to find Pansy sitting on the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest, her eyes focused on the crackling fire. The room was empty; most students were taking the opportunity from the beautiful weather and spending their time outside, but after running into Ron and Hermione Pansy stormed back inside the castle, and Draco followed her, trying to give her some space.

‘Do you think she hates me?’ Pansy asked without looking at him. She could always sense his presence, and Draco knew she knew him better than anyone else. He wouldn’t admit it, but he couldn’t imagine his life without Pansy in it.

‘Why do you care if she does?’ he sat in the armchair, and she turned towards him, her brow furrowed as if she was concerned, or just really focused on whatever she was thinking about.

‘I really like her, Draco. I can’t explain it, but I really do’ she said, and he could tell she was annoyed with herself. Pansy wasn’t used to showing feelings or being vulnerable the same way Draco wasn’t, and maybe that’s why they were such a great match. They never expected the other to profess their love or express it through over-the-top acts. But at the same time they knew they could rely on each other, and it was more important than gifting flowers.

‘I don’t think Granger is capable of hatred. No matter how hard she tries’ he chuckled, but the remark didn’t seem to help Pansy in any way. ‘She’ll probably get over it’ he shook his head but turned his eyes away from his girlfriend.

‘Why aren’t you mad at me?’ the girl got up from the floor and stood in front of him, crossing her arms on her chest. ‘I kissed someone else. I kissed _Granger_ , out of all people’

‘And you told me about it. It’s not like I have anything to worry about’ he kept avoiding her eyes, and Pansy smiled having a feeling that there was something Draco was not telling her.

‘What if I’m in love?’ she asked teasingly, but they both knew she didn’t really mean it.

‘Are you?’ he raised his eyebrows finally looking at Pansy and she just laughed, sitting on his knee and wrapping her arms around his neck. He could never feel what he felt for Pansy towards anyone else, but he also couldn’t deny that he felt something towards Hermione. Or maybe he felt something about her. Something that had always been there, pushed deep inside him, covered with hatred and prejudice he’d been taught since birth.

‘Who knows, maybe I have a thing for Granger as well’ he said jokingly, looking into Pansy’s eyes, before leaning in for a kiss. She laughed, and eventually pulled back, her face all serious and slightly concerned.

‘Draco… I don’t think it was just a kiss’ she said slowly, and he searched her eyes for the right words to say. He must have been quiet for too long, because she spoke again. ‘I would never leave you, I hope you know that. It’s just… I can’t stop thinking about her and after I did that, it just felt so good’ her voice cracked a bit, and he tightened his grip around her waist.

‘It’s fine, Parkinson. If we’re being honest, I think I might… feel something for her as well’ he admitted, turning his head slightly to the side, ashamed of admitting any feelings, especially ones for Hermione Granger. He only said ‘I love you’ to Pansy once, because being vulnerable scared him more than anything else. He didn’t love Hermione, he knew that, but there was this unexplainable longing every time he saw her, and he tried to keep himself away from her as much as possible because he really didn’t want to find out what it really was, but with Pansy admitting she had feelings for her… it was a bit easier. Hermione Granger felt a bit like all the rooms in his father’s mansions he was forbidden from visiting – the more often he was told not to go there, the more he actually desired to discover their secrets.

‘Shit’ she said, and then laughed almost immediately ‘Shit. This is…’

‘I know’

‘What are we going to do?’ 

‘I have no fucking clue’ Draco answered before pulling Pansy closer and kissing her again, knowing that in this moment they were both thinking about someone else.

* * *

Hermione Granger wasn’t the one to just leave things be. She couldn’t stop thinking about everything that was happening around her. Her mind was constantly working, processing information, analysing memories, imagining different scenarios. After leaving Draco and Pansy on the school grounds, she made her way to the library, found the empty table at the very end (this wasn’t too difficult, considering that it was a Sunday afternoon and the sunny weather encouraged everyone to leave the castle), threw her book down on the desk and sat down, once again staring at the words without actually acknowledging what they meant.

She hated Ron for, well, being Ron. And she hated herself for never realising how much of an asshole he actually was. Did he really suggest that no one would ever date her? As if being datable was her biggest problem, she didn’t go to school to find a husband. She went to school to learn, to get a job, build a career, become successful. Having a boyfriend, or even a husband, had never been her biggest priority and when she’d found the courage to break up with Ron, she’d felt relieved. There was no one that could stop her from achieving success.

She wandered what he would say if he knew Pansy kissed her. She should have told him that, rub it in his smug face and watch him struggle with finding the right response.

And then there was Pansy – what had she been actually thinking, kissing her out of the blue? As much as Hermione wanted to be angry at her, she couldn’t ignore the tightness in her chest every time she thought about that night. Maybe she had mistaken her feelings for friendship, only because she’d never felt anything like that. This one kiss made her feel more things than the whole relationship with Ron had ever had.

At the end of it all there remained Draco, hanging around Pansy like a shadow, looking at Hermione as if he despised her being. She’d seen his vulnerability, she knew things about him she’d never even thought of, but she still wasn’t able to figure him out.

Hermione hid her face in her hands, groaning silently in annoyance. Suddenly a memory popped into her head – first day of this school year, the dark classroom, Pansy sat on the desk with her legs wrapped around Draco’s waist. His hand sliding up her exposed thigh. She pressed her eyes together, thinking about that moment when she’d walked in on them in that classroom. About the embarrassment she had felt, only that now it didn’t feel like embarrassment and more like jealousy, or maybe even excitement, like she wanted to keep watching, but at the same time she wanted to experience the same thing. She remembered the way Pansy’s lips had felt on hers, and she could almost imagine how it would be to do this again, only this time she wouldn’t stop and run away.

She sat upright, terrified by her own thoughts. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. It felt wrong, absolutely messed up, completely crazy. She felt like a different person, like she could look in the mirror and not recognise the girl looking back at her. She wanted to change, she came back to Hogwarts with the precise intention to change and discover who she really was, but at the same time the whole process just terrified her.

Hermione closed her book realising that, despite her attempts, she wouldn’t be able to read anymore. And as she got up to go for a walk, or back to her room, or down to the great hall for dinner, she realised that she had a potions class awaiting her the next day.

* * *

‘Good morning, class!’ the Potions professor cheerfully walked into the room. Hermione, as usual, was sat in between Pansy and Draco, and they hadn’t talked since they arrived except for exchanging pleasantries. It felt weird and awkward, but Hermione didn’t really know what to say. When she looked at Pansy, she remembered the way this girl made her feel and it was too confusing, and she was worried that if she opened her mouth, she wouldn’t be able to close them until she said everything that was bothering her. When she looked towards Draco, she was even more confused, because he smiled at her in a way that actually looked genuine and polite, and possibly for the first time he didn’t sound rude when he talked, considering that he was able to turn even the simplest ‘hello’ into a terrible slur.

So they said their ‘hellos’ and ‘how are yous’ and ‘I’m fines’, and spent the rest of their time just sitting quietly each probably thinking about the same thing.

‘As you should probably be aware, this is the week your veritaserum should be ready, depending on what day you started. Today, we’ll talk some more about the potion, how to make sure it’s ready and functional, and when it is used the most. I must also ask you to not try the potion on yourself, or your classmates, before the assessment during next week’s class. We wouldn’t want any of you to end up in a hospital wing with side effects’ she laughed and carried on with the class, to which none of them payed any particular attention.

Hermione realised the lesson was finished from the buzz of moving chairs and loud chattering. She got up to pack her own bag, but Pansy caught her arm trying to stop her, and only then Hermione realised the Slytherin girl was saying something.

‘I’m sorry, can you repeat that?’ she blinked, looking at Pansy a bit confused.

‘Our potion should be ready tonight. Should we… meet after dinner to check up on it?’

‘Yes, good idea’ Hermione replied in dull, almost robotic voice, and left, leaving Pansy and Draco staring after her.

‘Do you still think it’s a good idea?’ Pansy turned to Malfoy, sounding slightly resigned.

‘Would you rather know and get it over with or keep wondering for however long it may take?’ he grabbed his bag in one hand, and Pansy’s hand in another. ‘We’ll talk to her and see what she says. If she says no, we just leave it be’ he shrugged, leading them out of the dungeons.

‘That does not sound like you at all. Who are you and what have you done with Draco Malfoy?’ she mocked and gasped theatrically, making him laugh. A genuine laugh she hasn’t heard in a while.

* * *

Hermione walked anxiously towards the dungeons, not sure what to expect. Part of her wanted to set the record straight, talk to both of them, or at least talk to Pansy, and make sure they were all on the same page. On the other hand, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to say exactly. Gradually, she was accepting the possibility of having some kind of feelings for Pansy that went beyond just the friendship she’d been hoping for, but at the same time she wasn’t entirely convinced she was ready, or even wanted to, explore them any further. And, of course, there was Draco, who either did or didn’t know about their kiss. And if this wasn’t enough, Hermione had no idea where in all this was Pansy. After all, she might show up in the dungeons tonight and admit that she’d been drunk and ‘in the moment’, or just joking and didn’t really mean anything. This scenario didn’t sound terrible, because Hermione would be able to simply move on, but at the same time she knew she would be disappointed if all of it ended up as a simple misunderstanding.

When she arrived, Pansy and Draco were already there, sitting on the desk and looking at their cauldron with a bubbling mixture inside.

‘Hi’ she said simply, stopping by the entrance not sure where she fit in all of this. She noticed Pansy and Draco exchanging a look, before Parkinson jumped down and came a bit closer.

‘Hermione, before we start, I just… wanted to apologise’ she said, and Hermione appreciated just this small gesture, presuming that it wasn’t easy for Pansy to say. Or maybe it was, after all she had enough time to realise that she didn’t know any of them as well as she thought she did. ‘About what happened on Saturday. I know it must have taken you by surprise, and I absolutely didn’t mean… to scare you’ Hermione noticed how Pansy didn’t say it was a mistake, or that she didn’t mean it, and by the way she talked she realised Draco knew all about it.

‘It’s fine, you don’t have to apologise’ she started, but realised that if they finished the conversation on that, she wouldn’t get any explanation and she would still probably be stuck in this limbo, wondering about the real meaning of everything that happened. ‘What… I mean, why did you do that?’ she looked down, trying to not sound accusatory but it came out like this anyway. She noticed Pansy turning around to look at Draco, who gave her a small, barely noticeable nod.

‘I felt like we’d gotten to know each other quite well and there was this… weird connection between us that day, and it just felt like something I wanted to do’ she explained, and Hermione looked up, because she absolutely did not expect anything of this sort.

‘So, it wasn’t a mistake? Or, you know, firewhisky?’ Pansy laughed in response, as if this was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. Hermione liked how her laughed sounded, but she let that thought go as soon as it appeared to not get too distracted from what she actually wanted to know.

‘No, it definitely wasn’t either. Actually…’ she came a bit closer, taking Hermione’s hand and looking at her with a painfully serious expression. Draco joined them, taking Pansy’s other hand, and Hermione became even more confused. ‘Draco and I talked about this… about you, and it seems like we both feel this… tension, between us’ she said slowly, and Hermione wasn’t sure she was understanding her right, or if she was understanding her at all.

‘What do you mean, tension?’ Pansy and Draco exchanged another look, and Hermione definitely felt like there was something in this conversation that she was missing.

‘We both kind of have feelings. For you’ Draco said, making Hermione yank her hand away and step back. She couldn’t really find any words to say, so she just stood there, looking between both of them, trying to sort out everything she was hearing.

‘No’ she said eventually, shaking her head. ‘No, I know where you’re going, and I won’t let you humiliate me like that’ she added defensively, taking another step back ‘I’m not going to play your games, I should have known better’

‘Granger, calm down. We’re not playing any games…’

‘No? Then what is this? You both have feelings for me? Really?’ she snorted with laughter, and suddenly everything that had happen up until this point made a complete sense ‘Look, I’m sorry I walked in on you on the first day. I don’t care what you do… with your spare time. Or where you do it. Or even who you’re doing it with, really, but I’m not…’ she hesitated, because even saying it felt wrong, and awful, and it made her painfully uncomfortable. ‘What I mean is’ she took a deep breath, straightened her back to look at Draco and Pansy, trying to give herself some bravery ‘I am not going to sleep with both of you. It’s weird, and it’s not who I am, and if you really thought you could trap me into this humiliating situation, well you were wrong and it’s not happening’ she finished very matter-of-factly. Pansy and Draco kept quiet, both stunned with what they just heard, and Hermione took it as a confirmation of all her suspicions. ‘You can finish here. I don’t care’ with these words, she turned around and walked out of the room.

‘That went well’ Pansy said, and immediately burst out laughing. She obviously felt bad for making Hermione feel like that, and even more so for making her believe everything she just predicted was true.

‘Fucking hell, Parkinson. How did she come to all of that?’ Draco replied with a laugh in his voice.

‘I mean, she wasn’t entirely wrong about all of it…’ Draco wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her slowly.

‘She’ll come around’ he whispered, reminding Pansy how happy she was to at least have him in her life. She moved back, taking glass bottles out of her bag and looking into their cauldron. Double-checking the instructions from their book, she distributed the potion equally in between the bottles, handing one to Draco.

‘For when she comes around’ she said, putting the rest safely in the cupboard, ready to be assessed during the class.

* * *

Hermione felt the tears gather in her eyes as she climbed the steps up to the Gryffindor common room. How could she be so stupid? Why did she think Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson could be anything else but vile human beings, wanting to exploit and humiliate her in the worst possible way? She could already imagine the gossip circulating around the school, people staring at her as if she was dirty. If any of the teachers had found out… her life would have been ruined forever. Hermione was glad she realised what they were proposing, or rather trying to drag her into, before it was too late, before it was her sitting on one of these desks with her shirt unbuttoned and her skirt pulled up. Of course, none of that happened, but she felt as if it had. She already felt dirty and ashamed, partially because she knew that part of her actually wanted this to happen. On different terms, maybe. In different circumstances, but nevertheless she imagined this evening leading to something similar, and she couldn’t actually believe her own thoughts. And as if all of this wasn’t enough, she just couldn’t get over the fact that Ron was actually right, saying Pansy was only using her.

Betrayed and hurt, she stormed right past Ginny and other students straight into her room. Without changing her clothes, she climbed into bed and pulled the cover up, so it covered her head completely. She pulled her legs all the way up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, sobbing into the pillow. Her heart felt torn into pieces, as did her conscience. She thought about Pansy’s gentle kiss, all the things that were said between them, and then remembered that it was just part of the game. Had the story she’d told her about the summer even been true, or had they made it all up? And what about Draco in that lake? Because he surely couldn’t have faked that. She felt all sorts of emotions, from anger, through sadness, to shame and embarrassment, and after she found that there were no more tears left for her to cry, she decided not to dwell on it anymore. She would simply move and try to go back to how things were before - avoiding the Slytherins at all cost.


End file.
